In the age of internet when children are computer savvy, much more than their parents, how do you prevent them from getting influenced by pornography? It can especially be a headache for working parents. Even when one of the parents is at home how long can you keep vigil on your children or their activities?

For more than a decade, we have been hearing debates whether sex education should be introduced in schools or not; the matter still hasn’t come to a logical conclusion and now we have another serious problem of pornography available at the click of the mouse. While educators at helm of affairs take their own sweet time to take a pertinent decision, parents need to know a few things about pornography and its effects on children. In present circumstances parents can no longer leave such matters on teachers or schools with conservative outlook.

The most vulnerable age for this I believe is early teens and before, from say ten to fourteen years of age when children still have to develop proper perspective about sexual matters. The plight is more so because they are unaware of what is happening to their body and emotions. This is a time of forming gender identity that is, conforming to gender roles as male or female. Any exposure of deviant sexual behavior can affect a child’s psyche. Since they still have to develop discriminating power in sexual matters as their mind still hasn’t been wired properly, it is possible for them to develop wrong notions about proper gender role and behavior. They may take abnormal behavior to be normal. In any case such constant exposure can desensitize them to sexual indulgences. Women may just become an object of sexual gratification for them. It is not surprising that we are witnessing spurt of cases of rape and molestation of women because there is increased use of net and pornography.

One thing I would like to emphasize, if it is any solace to parents, is that all children exposed to pornography do not become sexual offenders or perverts. But yes earlier exposure can make them addict lthe way alcohol does. Their demand for sexual stimulation through such material, normal and abnormal may keep on increasing. At any rate children less than fourteen years of age must be prevented from viewing hard core pornography; they must also not get into chatting with strangers for the risk of being lured into sexual abuse.

Exposure to deviant sexual behavior and hard porn at this age makes them vulnerable to become victim of pedophiles. There are predators looking out for such children and can possibly lure them into such activities.

Before I go further into the subject let me make it very clear at the outset that before the advent of computers, children did find ways and means to get hold of material related to sex. There were magazines that changed hands within the class except that these were available to boys only. Girls had little or no access to such material. But then we must not forget that the male- female equation was not same either. Girls lived a protected life and it wasn’t surprising that they knew nothing about sex even after marriage. We have a patient who fooled his wife for three months after marriage by indulging only in abnormal sex. That girl did not know what normal sex was!!

There was another patient who married in late thirties. The couple was in a hurry to have babies yet was unable to conceive. Then one day the wife tells me that her husband is not able to perform normal intercourse because he doesn’t know how to! This is India where even adults’ pass away golden period of their lives without knowing what it is all about!! Well, birds and bees do possess better knowledge!

Word sex in Indian psyche is a taboo, something dirty, not to be talked about. In short it has all the negative connotations. Where parents don’t even hold hands in front of children; where children are left in cradles by fairies how can you expect children to grow up with a healthy outlook about sexual matters. I remember one of my patients had a daughter and son and when both grew up despite having plenty of space in the house they slept in one room because parents thought they would keep check on each others activities ( they meant sexual indulgences).

Parents have no qualms in teaching children how to ride a bicycle, how to eat, table manners and so many other things yet leave them to learn on their own a very important aspect of development- their sexual development.

When my children were growing up I faced the same dilemma. Once my husband saw such a book under the pillow of my elder son, a seventh standard student; he came and told me about it and when we went to the room again the book had disappeared. Later on my husband laughed and joked about it telling me that he started reading such material when he was in class six. That helped reduce my anxiety. I was worried but not overly. What did I do? I started writing a book on the subject. I myself grew and opened up while writing it. I would leave my half baked manuscript pages on the table for them to see and read it easily. At least I was able to tell them about the basics. As such my husband was open about it and did not bother much.

I remember clearly, one day after an advertisement of condom my younger son asked “what is condom papa?” and the elder one started off……”It is a latex tube, expandable………” it was typically a definition from the dictionary. Both of us had an embarrassing smile on our faces but my husband said “yes you are right.” We did talk about condom and why it was used.

Everyone can not write a book but at least we can make such material easily available to children. Why wait for schools and teachers who themselves have so many inhibitions about it, to help your children? Take the lead and do it yourself.

The tragedy today is that on one side media is full of reports from eve teasing to gang rapes and it doesn’t help matters and on the other hand really sick material is available even to a child on the net. In this manner children are learning abnormal first without having any exposure to normal sexual matters. That is the reason I say we must get out of our old stale mentality. It doesn’t work anymore. To help our children we need to open up; free our mind from prejudices; learn and teach them the right thing before they learn the wrong ones by chance or intentionally.

The truth is that normal and abnormal sexual incidents have been hallmark of all times. We can’t blame net for all ill effects because when computers were not there, people still had incestuous relationships and abnormal sex. I would go to the extent to say that such practices were prevalent more in rural areas than in urbanites. The only problem is, such incidents were less common compared to present times when not a day goes by without reporting of sexual crimes. We may blame overactive media for bringing such news to our door steps day and night yet we can’t deny the fact that it is affecting our children. We should be worried about the kind of future we shall be leaving behind for the next generation.

Our natural response if a child goes near the fire is to warn him of the danger. What do we do if our child wants to drive? We will teach him to drive and ask him to procure a license. It’s the same thing here. Teach him the basics so that he is able to deal with normal driving and also when the traffic is heavy. He may be able to protect himself even when others are not following the rules, simply because his basics are right.

Normal curiosity about sexual matters can not be wished away. When such material is easily available perhaps we can not do much except equip them to recognize and deal with it. There are certain things we need to ignore, tighten up if they go beyond and then wait for them to grow up intact.

Encourage children especially young teenagers to go for outdoor activities. Get them into sports, music, books etc to keep them away from the net. It will also tackle their obesity.Avoid giving them separate net connections (when they are still growing) and keep a watch on their net surfing and chatting.

We need to teach them the meaning of sex with responsibility; that casual sex begets unwanted pregnancy and diseases related to sex.It is a must that we teach daughters the dangers of casual relationships and early teenage pregnancy. Make sons aware of dangers of AIDS and Sexually Transmitted Diseases in polygamous relationships. For a safe and secure environment, teach them to respect women.

Perhaps children who are exposed to normal parental bonding will eventually grow up to be responsible adults.Tell them the value of monogamous relationships, perhaps put in a dose of spirituality to keep them within the normal standard deviation. Later on when they grow up…its’ their life.

BY:-Dr Madhvi

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